I’m VULNERABLE… There I’ve said. My confession is out there in the open. A few months ago, that would have been tough for me to admit because my stance has always been, “don’t let them see you sweat”. Therefore, there is no way that I’m going to let someone “see” me in this vulnerable space. To be this open was like Kryptonite to Superman…it would literally melt me into pieces and take the very life out of me.
Vulnerability was a place that I avoided at all costs growing up. I didn’t like the way it made me feel or the perceived way I thought it looked to others. It was a place of fear for me. When I’m about to allow myself to vulnerable, I rehearse the script of how I felt that time I allowed myself to be vulnerable. This resulted in me going through all facets of life not being my authentic self.
To be vulnerable to me meant that I didn’t know what I was doing and I NEVER wanted to admit that. This may have resulted in me having to admit, that I wasn’t the best wife, the best mother, daughter, or even the best employee or dare I say it…the best Christian.
We don’t come with a handbook that indicates that it’s okay to be vulnerable or be fearful or *insert whatever fear you have here* One of the keys to life is to learn to navigate it without becoming bitter or numb. We have to allow ourself to feel and to go through the ENTIRE cycle of whatever we are feeling.
Yes, it’s okay to be angry, but don’t stay there.
It’s okay to be fearful, but don’t let fear rule you.
You may be wounded, but don’t limp through the rest of life.
You may feel lost, but don’t stay wandering around in that state.
I sometimes find myself patting myself on the back and telling myself that I did it, I got over THAT (insert your that there). I went to counseling, I prayed, I talked it through, I did all that I knew to do at that time, but one thing and that was allow myself to be vulnerable in that space again.
I was recently went to see India.Arie in concert and during one segment, she spoke about how she had the awesome opportunity to meet Cicely Tyson. She said she was prepared to “sit at her feet” and glean all the information that she could. She said that one thing that Ms. Tyson told her was that she needed to “break the shell and allow life to touch her”.
It was as if those words touched my very soul, hence the realization that I have not allowed myself to feel in certain areas because after the pain HARD scab/shell had developed and I was unwilling or unaware that I needed to remove that and feel again.
I’m in a very unique place in my life and I vow to allow myself to go through this journey completely…this time.
Child it’s time to break the shell
Life’s gonna hurt but it’s meant to be felt
You cannot touch the sky from inside yourself
You cannot fly until you break the shell – “Beak the Shell” – India.Arie