Silence is a very difficult thing for someone who is a Communicator. To have to be quiet when you feel that you have something to say, is a tough space to be in. Well, imagine being in a place where you feel that you must defend yourself in an effort to “fight for your life”. Well, this describes me and the last six months of my life. I’ve walked around in silence, not being able to defend myself when my name was being drug through the mud and then held up like a flag of warning and caution for others and my ONLY answer from God was, “BE QUIET!”
By now, you should know that I love words and the origin and meaning of words. My first thought was to not look up the word “silence”, everyone knows what that word means, right?… but I decided to look it up anyway. The first few definitions of the word were just like I thought, “the absence of sound or noise”, yada yada, but the fourth definition spoke to where I felt I was right now “the state of being forgotten; oblivion”.
As the weeks and months have progressed during this time of transition, I have felt forgotten (and for you “deep” people, yes, I mean forgotten by God as well). Everything that I had shaped and built my life around was not there any longer. What I believed, no longer was. People that I thought would be around are no longer around. Those that I thought I could depend on, even if for nothing but a laugh, were invisible. I was in turmoil and to top it off, I couldn’t say anything about it, nor could I defend myself in the midst of it. I quickly realized that I didn’t like this silence thing so much and I didn’t know how much of this I was willing to “stand for”.
So, I “suffered” in silence. I cried, I grieved, I begged, I made deals (with myself and with God), and I made plans, but that was not/is not His plan for my life, nor the lesson He wanted me to learn in the midst of this. It’s amazing how the things we look at as loss is really a gain for us, though it may not seem like it at the time.
The things I [thought] lost in the last six months: my job, my car, my friends, my career, my peace, my faith in people, people’s faith in me…the list can go on and on.
The things I’ve gained in the Land of Oblivion….the removal of the mud from my name, authentic people in my life, another car, the abilility to see God in a tough place, a greater understanding of who God is in my life, the power of obedience to God in my life, the true meaning of Jehovah-Jireh in my life. The list on this side FAR EXCEED the list of what I thought I lost.
I shared at my small group meeting the other night and I didn’t realize it until it left my lips. “I’ve learned that the things I needed to exist, I don’t need and the things that I thought mattered, don’t. I’ve also learned that there is a gift in silence.
As usual, I’m interested in hearing about a time when you felt forgotten. You can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org or leave your comment here. Either way, I would love to hear from you.